aku takut

kematian

antara perkara yang paling aku takuti. takut mati. takut melihat orang yang aku sayang mati. takut haiwan mati. takut pokok mati. jika benda yang aku sayang itu tak bernyawa, aku takut jika ianya dibuang. aku takut jika sesuatu benda itu dah tak boleh digunakan lalu dibuang atau diberi kepada orang lain.

jadi ketakutan atau phobia ini telah terjurus ke kategori lain. aku takut akan kehilangan.

dulu, kawan aku nak pindah sekolah, aku nangis. sebab aku terfikir jika dia akan masih ingat aku. aku terfikir sama ada kami akan berjumpa lagi atau tidak. macam-macam aku fikir.

sadis, kan?

dulu, aku kena turun kelas sebab kelas pertama khas untuk yang ambil subjek tertentu. aku sorang-sorang di kelas lain. walhal segala kawan aku di satu kelas yang sama. setahun aku menyepi. pasif-sepasifnya. diam, murung semua ada. aku tanya diri aku, kenapa semua ni jadi kat aku. kenapa aku kena duduk kelas ni sorang-sorang. sampai cikgu report kat bapak aku time bagi report kad. damn. aku diam je. nak aku kate aku diam sebab kawan aku kat kelas lain?

nak kena lempang, buley la kan :)

sadis, sangat-sangat.

dulu, masa putus dengan kekasih, menangis macam dunia nak pecah dua.

sumpah sadis.

sampai sekarang, aku akan termenung kalau ada berita kematian orang yang ada dekat denga aku. jiran sekalipun. ada anak jiran aku meninggal sebab kemalangan. berhari aku terfikirkan dia. padahal tak pernah sembang. bertegur lagi haram. tapi aku terasa.

ke aku yang over?

sampai sekarang, jika ada babak orang menangisi kematian, aku sekali join menyumbang air mata. tapi aku sorok. cepat-cepat bukak mata luas-luas, dengan harapan air mata tersejat atau masuk balik dalam mata dan supaya tiada yang tahu. ya, aku keras diluar tapi bagaikan belon air yang bila masa boleh pecah di dalamnya. di depan orang, wah gagah. segagah jantan yang boleh menahan apa jua perasaan. tapi di dalam, akulah perempuan paling lemah.

sampai sekarang, aku akan peluh sejuk bila teringatkan masa depan aku. bila mak bapak keluarga aku tiada. bila aku sendiri tiada. apa reaksi aku nanti? apa rupanya bila mereka tiada? apa rupanya bila aku sendiri pergi nanti?

sampai sekarang aku rasa sayang nak buang barang-barang yang telah lama berkhidmat dengan aku. contohnya, dulu kami siap ambil gambar kereta kancil yang ayah nak jual. kami ambil gambar video tape player sekali dengan tape-tapenya masa ayah nak buang sebab dah tak boleh pakai. tapes yang menggunung tu sangat aku sayang. macam koleksi. sayangnya.

ye, aku tahu aku ni freak.

baca entri kak fynn pasal kematian ibundanya pun, air mata sebaldi tercurah.

oh mai gawd dis gerl is a ferik! whad da fak?

pocofamily

presentin' my family photo. wish i had a head that big. i'd be much more wiser and cleverer!

and do take note that no, my mum did not just gave birth to a daughter named katy. why on earth would my younger sister named katy when the rest of us had to live with 'odd' names? hahahah!

i mean, not that i hate my name. it wouldn't be fair if my younger sister had a london-name, innit?

and yes, katy's the cat i've been talking about on facebook. she's a cat. not my sister okay. and she has mustache, representing the whiskers she has. it was my sister's idea, blame her! hahahaha but she look cute right? the cat, i mean LOL

this is actually from a website offering people to personalize the pocoyo character with their own imagination of what they want their pocoyo avatar to look like.

wanna have a try? go to the Pocoyizate website! you'll have the individual pocoyos of your own. i edited mine to make a family photo :)

guilty as charged

this feeling

can't get it off me

can't forget it

can't pretend that it never happened

this feeling

that you gave

is like a sin

but also a pleasure

i'm content

and also a sinner

this feeling

the feeling that i might never thought of

the feeling that i might never tried

the feeling that made me guilty

and my inner feelings

and the other me

alive

but this feeling

also makes me guilty

for i have done things that i'm not supposed to

things that are way beyond the border

it's dangerous

and addictive

and i want more

photo taken from here : click

bangkok

Hey peeps! It's 11.55pm right now and I'm with my sister-accompanying her doing her revision. Rajin adik aku doe. Wished I was a little like her. But heck, I'm not born with that will to study that much. Entahlah. Guess I am one of the people who are not fit be geniuses kot.

And with this recent incident, I feel a lot more less confident to continue my studies. It feels like I am wasting my time and my parents ka-ching je.

*sigh*

But, let's put it aside first, okay? I'll figure it out later. Don't wanna mess my life with all these stressing questions doe.

Anyway, lets talk about something else.

Like, what's happening in Thailand. Damn these protesters should just get a gunshot in their friggin' head. What were they thinking, ruining people's life just because they do not agree with the government? If you really wanna pick a fight, then go burn the friggin' government offices. It would be better and much more courageous kan? You guys wanted to show off your eagerness and your braveness, right? Then show it somewhere else, asshole.

Tell me what do you get of the act that you did? Nothing, people. Nothing.

And you spent days in the town, protesting for something that some of you might not even be sure of. After some time, they'd see back their mission and realise that they aren't going anywhere near victory.

And kudos to the Thai government for being so strict this time. They should learn a lesson. And if I'd be the leader, I'd have them all shot to death.

They risk their life and many innocent ones just to fulfill their crazy wish. What the heck?

We just see some of the photos and stories of the innocent people living in the town. But the fact is that they suffer so much. They had no electricities and water supply for several days and that adds to the suffering they already had. They can't leave their house just like that and they surely have nowhere else to go, right? And besides, going outside of the house would mean committing suicide unintentionally, right?

Shop lots and malls were also burnt. Damn those places were some of the best places in Bangkok. And in just one day, it all came tumbling down just because of the riots.

Damn them.

Ask yourself dear protesters. What do you get from this? Victory? I don't think so. Revenge? Who and why did you have that grudge?

You are destroying your own country.

Let's all hope that this won;t be happening in Malaysia. Let us all take the lesson.

Thus, it is crucial that we learn to be more tolerate and accept the differences that we have.

And stop being prejudice. Stop being racists. Stop being judgmental towards people without trying to know them. Stop being assholes.

Guess that's enough assholes for now. Do drop some comments :)

bookmark

i've been totally bored to death today, ehem i mean yesterday that it came to me this idea of doing a bookmark with the ice-cream setik. my sister bought it at some local stationary shop *yang fofular sekali kat semenyih tu* and these are the left-overs. it's multi-coloured and yeah, memang dah ade colours. there's a bigger size and dang i sure need to get my hands on that ones! tunggu masa nak pergi je :P

presenting, my bila-boring-nak-mampus's creations :

i love these two fellas :) there are my best, for now. don't ask if the strawberry is on top of some poo because i was planning to make it look like a chocolate cake with strawberry on it. and the other one is actually strings with some beads tied to it. ♥

the red one is the first one i did. it looked okay at first but after adding my name, it looked totally fuh-gly. damn :X

gonna add some more creations. nak beli? hahahahaha